As social creatures, we all want to have the feeling that we belong.
We want to be part of the group, class, team and we want to feel listened to, valued and appreciated.
Children who exhibit challenging behaviour also have these needs and wants. But, they are often the ones to be excluded, punished and at times humiliated. Is it because we need them to be seen to be bad, and disrespectful? I hope not. This does not give them the sense that they are listened or valued and it certainly does not give them the feeling that they belong. Previously I have written a blog post "Connect and Belong" where I discussed the improvement of outcomes for students exhibiting challenging behaviour. In this post I would like to explore further how we as educators can ensure the sense of belonging for all of the children in our care?
I think we need to consider first our own social behaviours and only then can we begin to understand the needs of children. I am referring to how we feel and react in the social contexts that we inhabit and to what extent this makes us feel that we belong there.
Consider the social norms that we compare ourselves to in even the simplest of situations and you will discover our need to feel that others view us in a positive light. We want others to like us, interact with us, choose us for their dinner party and invite us to the cinema. We want to be part of the group. Children who exhibit challenging behaviour also want that.
When we punish challenging behaviour using sanctions and consequences we represent this behaviour in a negative light. This creates a bias in other children towards the child that we need to support. Through casting this light we create a situation of exclusion, difference and non-acceptance where children find themselves being judged in a negative way.
I truly believe that we need to embrace challenging behaviour and identify it as having value. The fact that a child exhibits challenging behaviour illustrates their cry for help. By valuing this cry for help we can impact the bias of others. We can create a situation of acceptance and promote understanding. My hope is that by doing this we will educate other children to be empathetic towards the children who struggle and seek to help and include them. If we make a conscious step to understand challenging behaviour then we can foster an environment where those children can feel that they belong.
Why do we as individuals worry about what others think of us? I believe that this is borne out of a natural need for affirmation. Is that a question of security/insecurity or is that the reality of popularity/ unpopularity? I can’t give a quick answer to that but I do recognise that children who exhibit challenging behaviour are very aware of how others view them. We need to promote a shift in understanding from the challenging behaviour being seen as “bad” to it being seen as a need for support.
If we recognise how important is to us as adults to have the feeling that we belong then we must use this knowledge to build a better structure to ensure all of our students have the opportunity to belong.
In light of this, I have been looking at some of my own social environments and thinking about how I feel It has been quite eye-opening to discover that in certain environments I do not really feel that I really belong. I discovered that this feeling is a direct response to how others within that environment react to me. I also found that this does not make me feel good in fact it makes me feel worthless. I can only imagine how difficult this must then be for children who do not have the skills to navigate their daily school life.
Socially with my friends I often find myself reflecting on what they say to me as if they have launched an attack. I have always struggled with having the courage of my convictions and very often I will be swayed by the opinions of others. I will then spend a lot of time and energy complaining about this. Why do I feel the need to always be the person to give in and keep the peace? Why do I do this and then spend my time complaining? Would I not serve myself better if I were to stand by my own decisions from the start? These questions also made me think of my students when they so want to do the right thing but they just do not have the ability to regulate themselves when expectations come from someone else.
I stumbled across an interesting article about Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) and it has made me think. I am not claiming that I or children who exhibit challenging behaviour suffer from SAD but I think we can learn a lot from the connections this makes to our sense of belonging. This will hopefully enable us to avoid creating SAD adults in the future from the children in our care.
Feel free to share your ideas and comments with me as I believe this is a valuable conversation to have.
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